Today is one month until I leave Seattle. 28 days, to be exact. I am freaking out. Panicking would really be a better word. While every single part of my body and heart wants this, there seems to be the piece hidden of my anxiety that is now coming to the front. FRONT AND CENTER, actually. The thoughts begin to race. What if something happens to a family member while I’m away? What if my dog gets sick and dies? What if I run out of money? What if I miss one of my planes? What if I come back and can’t get a job? What if. What if. WHAT IF.
And then I snap myself back to reality. What if is nothing but fear. What if is the reason I didnt do this 8 years ago when I wanted to. And 5 years ago. and 2 years ago. What if.. is exactly the reason I have to do this.
As a fairly social person, most people (that don’t know me well) would probably be surprised to find I am actually a pretty anxious person by nature. I. worry. about. everything. But not like reasonable things, like “can I pay my bills?”.. I mean, I worry about those, too. But I worry about people. I worry about if I said something wrong and hurt them. I worry about animals. I worry about animals I’ve never met. People I’ve never met. I worry about people and animals that aren’t even on this planet yet. I just worry. And that worry turns to anxiety really effing quickly. Mostly, it’s me laying in bed with such crippling anxiety about such things I can’t control, that I’ll stress myself out to what I can only describe as complete body paralysis from all the stress, and then, with the shock, my body will put me to sleep. For hours. I dont mean 5, or 8. I mean like 16, or most recently, 29. Seriously. February 19, 2017 never existed in my world, other than a brief glimpse of the bathroom twice that day. It can be pretty horrible.
So you see, one of the things over these last two years on my adventure of self-discovery, is realizing that I have missed soooo much of things I want, and could even argue need, because of my worry. And I decided about a year ago, when everything I had worried about DID come true, that I would do everything that terrified me, if there’s a chance it could make me happy. Because while my biggest worry for those few years did, in fact, happen, I also realized something else. The end piece. I was so all-consumed in the future of my life and plans, that when they came crashing down, THAT was my worry. That was it. The crashing down. The falling out. The breakup. THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF MY WORRY. But I didn’t much think of the aftermath. And here is the aftermath: I am fine. No. Let’s back that up. I am FANTASTIC. I am no longer in a relationship with someone who controlled me. I am no longer overweight. I am no longer in a miserable job that made me cry daily. I am loved. I am happy. I’ve got to rebuild relationships that had fallen and start even more. And I did it all by myself. And that, is a freeing feeling.
And so I will trek on through the anxiousness. Because the light to a new tunnel is coming, and the train seems to be picking up speed. And my heart is racing a bit faster everyday. And my anxiety is a little higher. But i know, I know if I can just trust my heart and push through the fear, there will be something amazing on the other side.